Growing up, I’d always felt a bit feminine, a bit airy. Many wondered if I was actually straight, and I myself had doubts. People would sometimes inquire, and others made the occasional offer, which I found horrifically offensive. Yes, I was attractive, but also short and only somewhat muscular. I always felt like a failure in my father’s eyes based solely on my diminutive physique, and, to top it off, apparently, everyone thought I was gay.
Because of these feelings and perceptions, dancing and all other feminine activities were deeply suppressed.
Still, the appeal of dancing never left me. Every time I considered it, I’d think: I’d look stupid; I have two left feet. It’s not something a serious man does. Being too feminine for such a hobby, I pushed it away.
Yet,
I had started yoga, which, like dancing, was something I’d always wanted to do, despite its feminine association. I was practising yoga daily at the time and didn’t have many reservations about the topic. In fact, quite the opposite.
The urge had been bubbling under the surface for too long, so I just finally thought, what the hell, might as well go for it.
I know it might sound unusual, but my desire wasn’t just to dance, I wanted to dance as femininely as possible. Styles like tango, waltz, or hip-hop didn’t appeal to me. I wanted to move like a fairy, to sway and undulate, to be hypnotic, sultry, and enchanting. I felt a strong urge to express the femininity I’d suppressed for so long; I was yearning for it to finally break free.
I attended a small event with only a handful of people; thankfully, no one knew each other and it was all very awkward. After pleasantries, it was soon time; the room darkened, candles and incense were lit, and the facilitator began playing music, encouraging us to feel rather than think.
I closed my eyes and let go.
I fluttered, stretched, whisped, and twirled.
I didn’t care.
I embraced my desires
I felt so liberated, so boundless, so ethereal
An uncaged fairy
Who cares what they think? No one knows me here. This was my process, my chance to bring an unwanted part of my desires into the light.
Through yoga, meditation, and esoteric studies, I had unknowingly started integrating my shadow. Only after studying Jung did I realise what I’d been doing. Now I was doing the same consciously.
Looking back, I am genuinely proud of myself for acting with the intention to heal.
I chose to write about this because I feel it was a great victory for me, a purposeful and voluntary confrontation with my shadow. I knew it was there, and I decided to take action.
Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life, and you will call it fate.
Carl Jung played a significant role in my shadow work. I heeded these words and knew that any hidden desire I have should be brought to light, or else it would wrestle with me in other ways.
Time-wise, around six weeks had now passed since I had my awakening.
Brimming with newfound confidence in embracing myself, I scoured Facebook for the next spiritual event. Then I saw it, something I’d been searching for…
A plant medicine gathering.
A way I can get my hands on some dimethyltryptamine
It was time for me to meet Mother Ayahuasca
Michael's musings 